( A quick rundown of yesterday and this morning )

I have a bunch of errands still to run, but the list is getting shorter even though we keep adding things, thankfully. :)

Incidentally, lj is weird today...

I spent a lot of last night talking to ybunny about this, so I kind of want to remember it.

It would be tons easier for me to live with myself, if, once someone has treated me less well than they know they should...or even badly, I could write that person off. It would make me a person with hugely lower stress levels. I want the best for everyone I know, truly. Worry that someone might be upset with me, even when they have zero right to be is one of the things I go to almost any length to avoid.


I've sat here and stared at the screen for the last ten minutes or so...I'm guessing I'm not going to be able to say this any better.

The subject says it all.

I'm scared to do nice things for people.

I wish this wasn't true. I haven't always been this way.

I have found in my life that one of the most sincere pleasures I can experience is knowing that I've made someone else's life easier.

I'm scared to do that now. Everything I do is misinterpreted. Everything I do is seen as an attempt to control to have things 'my way'. I don't even know what my way is anymore

Even as this post will be.

< /caring about confusing >

I locked myself by not taking my keys. I wasn't trying to be short, I knew you weren't wanting a long talk, so I hung up.

I've been taking the overages in the groceries myself. You've not been paying more...in fact, you've been paying under. I don't want you to do anything, but trust that I wouldn't screw you.

I didn't want to talk about my cars tail light. I don't know why in the hell you couldn't drop it.

I'm at my parents house just now...it's nice.

I've got a big grey cat on my lap and the snow is coming down outside the windows behind me.

I got 9 hours of sleep last night. I was fed crepes for breakfast.

I'm where I can say exactly what I mean and not be second guessed, patronized, or sulked at.

I am not being irritated, taken for granted, or overworked...neither am I irritating anyone or doing the wrong thing without knowing it.

Work (and life) resumes Sunday night. For now, I'm just me.

I've got no news.

I've worked 40 hours already this week and it's only Wednesday morning. So, yeah, tired.

I'd like to think that I could sleep for about 10 hours straight...don't think that will happen.

As per usual, I'm thankful for him.

( nota bena )

I have a decision to make. Don't expect it to be easy or soon.

Why yes, that was ambiguous. *shrug*

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
Aldous Huxley (1894 - 1963)

Living hell is the best revenge.
Adrienne E. Gusoff

Each of us bears his own Hell.
Virgil (70 BC - 19 BC), Aeneid

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.
John Milton (1608 - 1674)

Yeah, hell.

Two completely unrelated points:

1.
Unculled, before any further additions...
6607 songs, 16.9 days, 23.58GB
Somehow, I don't think all of those will be staying. :)


2.
I may not say it, I may be able to do nothing...but I always wish I could. And I don't think it's possible for me to hurt anymore for you unless I actually dug into my chest with a spoon. :(

Just an FYI...cause just know that you're all dying for the info...

1.
I severely dislike when things do not work as they should.
I dislike it even more when it means that I have to ask someone to fix it for me.
I dislike the whole event even further when that means that I don't learn how to do it myself for next time.

And the likelihood that I will learn how to do something simply by watching someone else do it is basically nil.

2.
When someone starts a line of conversation with 'If you like/if you want...' they never ever mean it. (With the exception of waiters and your mother when you are sick...that is if you're lucky. This maybe a universal truth which includes waiters and mothers, I haven't quite decided.) What that phrase translates to is: 'I know how you should do this and I'm going to go ahead and tell you. I'm just starting the idea this way to try to prevent you from jumping on me later.'
Ahem. This does not work on me. I know that I'm being told what to do, even if quasi-politely. If you really want me to do something and there is no other option, say so. If it is an option, present it as such. Don't go trying to make me think it was my idea. Cause it wasn't. And I should fucking know.

That's it. Move along.

Why must people insist on making love a quantifiable commodity?

You can love 2 people...you can love 200 people. That doesn't make the love for no. 157/200 any less than the love for no. 2/2.

Love isn't like butter, it can cover whatever you decide you want it to.

Yes, I realize that you can't love any two people equally. That's not what I meant...and you should know that.

< /babble >

Double standards.

Don't expect me to be glad of them.

I realized tonight...this morning...whatever...
It doesn't matter what you tell yourself you should do...you'll want* what you want* no matter how many warnings against it...

*sighs*
I probably shouldn't try to philosophize at 4am.

Let's just say that somethings are only worthwhile when you consider the source.

I just made it more vague, didn't I?

*goes to bed*




__________________________________________________
* Insert love...love, feel...feel, need...need. They work just as well.

It was a long ride home.

Sometimes your own mind will turn traitor on you. It's impossible to reason with yourself, especially when you have my over-developed sense of guilt.

Because if you think in binary, 0.0001% is still I. You can't be a 0 unless you are perfect. Which I'm not. I wish to whatever anyone considers holy that I was.

The I damns me.

I'm so empty that I don't think I could even cry.

I cried tonight. I don't do that a whole, whole lot. She hurt and I simply couldn't bear it.

shineyquarter and I watched Pirates tonight.

shineyquarter is an excellent snuggler. Damn you if you disagree with me.

*goes to bed*

Well, the Reth and Shiney show may do dumb things, but apparently I'm enough of a terror on my own.

Bought a coat at Walmart. I don't like it, now that I have it back in the room.

Combination of factors, including bad decision making on multiple levels brings me to these things.

I guess I'll be taking it back. And then I'll go to Marshall Fields where I should have gone in the first place.

try again some time...demerits could work?

So I am 300 pages into Crime and Punishment, that lighthearted and touching book written by the optimistic Russian Dostoyevsky. (For those of you who haven't read the book, my tongue is firmly entrenched in my cheek). I think that the book is making me a worse person.

I wrote a great and wonderful entry last night, but my computer ate it (honestly!).

I am back from a visit to the great graduate schools of Raleigh, North Carolina. I do believe that I just might cry if I don't get into Duke University. We'll see...

I am no Pollyanna. As anyone who knows me can attest I can be particularly prickly, especially when under stress. However, I am not mean spirited in an active sort of way. I am most like the Touch-Me-Not plant. I'll sting if touched but can be relatively pretty if left alone.

My co-habitant has taken it upon herself to attempt to 'bring me into step' with the rest of the happy, happy world. I would like nothing better than to do my own thing and hang out with whom I choose. Which would not be her, if truth be told. She placed a rather bubbly note in my day planner (ok, just being in my stuff vexes me enough), offering her assistance as a shoulder to cry on and a wealth of understanding.

First off, I like my crying shoulders to be thoroughly male and secondly, I am really not that irritated at the moment. I just happen to have 300 more pages of the mad russian to read and a paper to write as well as mounds of Greek quizzes to grade.

I really can't be bothered with an uncharacteristic outpouring of general good will.

And that is that.