Dear Men Going Bald,
I realize that this must be a traumatic time, though I personally cannot empathise. I imagine it must be like losing a close friend.
However, just as you would not keep a dead friend propped up at your dinner table or ride around with him in the car, you should not try to keep the corpse of what, I'm sure, was a prized crop of follicles around once there are only 4 or 5 members left.
Shave it off.
Look at Patrick Stewart, Arnold Vosloo, Bruce Willis, Samuel Jackson, Ben Kingsley, Stanley Tucci, and so forth.
Even better, listen to interviews that Patrick Stewart gave about being in the lime light and bald.
Ditch the combover.
I know it's just a whoop-it-up moment of excitement for you, all fresh and mentally squeaky clean coming to university for the first time.
I'm thrilled that you are seeking knowledge.
However, please refrain from:
-screaming causelessly just outside my office window
-puking on the sidewalks of Union Street
-urinating on the side streets
-asking if you are in X place when you are standing just under an enormous sign that says 'X Office'
Dear National Trust for Scotland,
You have the bitchiest tour guides ever.
I've already sent you a note to the offending locale, but here it is for the world to see.
Thanks for confirming that I made the right choice in that Life Membership to Historic Scotland.
Absolutely, positively no love,
You are going to fail this PhD unless you learn to love writing.
The keyboard is not your enemy.
Reading books about the Crimean War when you're supposed to be writing about rocks is completely useless.
Dear Office Mate,
Unless you're deaf, you should probably turn down your headphone volume.
It's really distracting.
Unfailingly in resignation,
The person just behind you